invisiblegirl904's Blog

I've been running,
My breaths come in pants,
My heart pounding behind ears.
It hurts,
My head,
My heart,
My soul.
I can't do this anymore!
What's the point?
I'm tired with my life.
I just want to move on to the next;
to move forward with everything.
For it can finally
To be the time,
the time to say goodbye.

I amnot unscathed.
I've been hurt,
Scrathed,
bruised,
broken,
damaged,
scarred.
I"m never going to be fixed;
It's impossible.
I'm tired,
Beaten down,
Being pushed down,
Again and again,
In a never ending cycle.
I'm being torn in half,
ripped into shreds.
I feel like nothing.
Just dust now,
Going whereever the wind takes me.
I was.....
Hurt,
Scratched,
Bruised,
Broken,
Damaged,
Scarred,
beaten down,
Into what I am now.
Nothing.
Just dust,
Dust in the wind.

When I read,
The world around me fade away.
For hours I can just sit there,
And get sucked into the book.
Wishing,
Hoping!
That one day I would wake,
And be in one of the books I've read.
Even if there full of pain,
Drama,
Sorrow.
In books,
There is at least one person.
One,
That you can lean on to.
One person,
You can trust.
One person,
Who I love,
And loves me in return.
One person,
Who wouldn't hurt me,
And even if they did.
They would have the balls to man up to it,
And never do it again.
But here I sit and sigh,
Looking at the sky with tired eye,
And a torn heart.
Hoping that one day,
One.
My dream would come,
And all this because when I read,
I'm in a new world.

Dreams are the best part of living
Where we can put our imagination to the best.
We can see the things we want to do,
places we want to go,
people we want to see.
Dreams are the most powerful thing to us.
You can't master the creativity that you have in your dreams,
when you're conscious.
That's why we all live for our dreams.
They're the places to go,
when nothing else is right.
What you see when you don't like what you're already looking at.
It changes people worlds. '
Makes us hope for something in the day.
Dreams are what make us who we are.
So a nightmare may come along every now and then.
But just because you have one bad dream.
It doesn't ruin your life.

they will truly
and dearly
never understand me
they hate me
they think what they want about
they're breaking me
one piece to the other
i pretend i dont care
while inside i'm screaming
yelling
crying
"YES!!!!!!
I DO CARE!!!!!!!!!
WHY ARE YOU DONING THIS TO ME!!!"
this is eating me up
i can't take it anymore
they're destroying me
killing me
i want to leave
escape
and never having to look back
I  HAVE TO
WANT TO
NEED TO
JUST GET AWAY!

I love the feel of his hand in mine
I love the way he smiles
I love that he knows what to say
and when to say it
I love i love how he holds me tight
I love his blue eyes
I love his laugh
I love his lip
and how he kisses me
I love how he's strong but gentle
I love how he's just as stubbprn as me
I love it when he calls me his
I love how he alway makes me laugh
no matter what
I love it when he tries to be smart
I love that it that he isn't handsy
I love how he makes me feel safe
I love how he loves me
I LOVE HIM

***deticated to my boyfriend, the only person thats been keeping me sane in that nutcase of a boarding school***

I'm weird a
stupid
strange
emo(tional)
teenage girl
with hormones
who lies
who cheats
who sneaks out
who yell
who cries
who loves
who hates
who isn't a saint
who always tries
who is lazy
who loves the color black
who loves to write
who fight with....
herself
her parent
the world
who makes mistakes
who loves to sing and dance
who doent discriminate
who is herself
who loves books
who hates her room
Who's crazy
but herself
a weird
stupid
not always confidant
strange
emo(tional)
teenage girl
ME

I'm lost
i have been for a while
i haven't been myself
because of everyone around me
I'm so shy
so scared
in fear that if
i open up
everyone would pity me
be disgusted with me
i would never
EVER
be able to go through that
that enormous
humongous
pain
so i never let myself be myself
be me
i hide
never open up
everyone is stopping me
from being
me

To me
My death would be a sweet relief
I've been in a battle
with myself
my so called family
everyone
and everything around me
death for me
would be resting
resting after an oh so long fight
an oh so long battle
i would finally
at last
be in peace
no more fighting
no more stress
no more uncertainty
people ask me
"how can you speak of death so...
unbothered?"
i would just tell them
"when my time comes
either forced
or natural
i will greet it
and welcome it with open arms"

im sooooo srry i havent beeen here for sooooooo long. my dean took away my laptop for a while after i did a little prank on the internet. i've been there since november. THAT PLACE IS LIKE HELL!!!!!!!! plus the teacher now think im the spawn of the f***ing devil since that prank!!!!! uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! i thought suicide watch was bad but i was wrong. boarding school is even worse. i cant wait to get out of here for the summer!!!!!!! imma try to get my just my laptop as much as possible to be on here. i really miss ep and everyone on here. this is my home. :)

when i cry
they don't care
I'm like rain
you cant do anything about it
its inevitable
the only thing you can do
is wait until it stops
they don't care about me
why would they
I'm just a freaky
creepy
stupid
crazy
emo
little girl
i am worthless
no wonder they don't care
no wonder when i cry
they just hide
there's no point
to care about stupid little me
so all i can do is wait
wait unit i stop crying
until my tears stop
and wait until they start caring about
stupid little me

i promise you that there is a point in this, just keep reading.

i was in art today and i was just sitting there playing with my paint brush when my teacher comes up to me. so i try to look like i was doing something. it didn't fool him. he say " Amy, i was looking at your grades and saw that you have a A in writing so i talk to your writing teacher and she told me that you a spectacular writer. that you throw yourself into your writing like you like depended on him. why cant you do that in art?" i had no idea what to say so i didn't respond him. he then continued by saying "hmmmmm have you ever had writer's block?" i nodded and he said " art is the same sometimes you get completely block, you don't have the slightest idea of what to draw. what do you do when you get writer's block?" i tell him that i read stories and poetry. that that usually helps me concore it. he start to think and he stood there for a few minutes and finally told me to follow him to the book shelves. i thought i was silly to have books in art. i never saw the point to have them. he looks and quickly grabs a book and hands it to me. he walks to my desk so i followed him and he told me to sit down. so when i sat down he start to say " Amy, you try to find inspiration for your writing who says you cant do the same for art. look this is a book at Picasso's work. i want you to bring this book home with you, since you have no time now,school is about to end. i think this will help you think of something to do in class tomorrow." so when i look at the book the final bell ringed so i just threw in my backpack and went home.

i was watching TV when my dad kicked me out, so i grab my backpack and went upstairs to my room. my cable and TV were taken away because i some of my grades were in the toilet. so i just look through my backpack for something to do and i found the book my art teacher gave me. so i looked through it. in the beginning chapter was just paintings of naked women so i skipped it because i thought it was sexist. why do artist consider paintings of women as art but  if someone paints a naked man i was a really big no-no. the next chapter was just alot of blue pictures. i got bored with that so i skipped it. the next chapter opened my eyes. Cubism. seeing what is beyond the surface. seeing shapes and dices and other things. seeing men, women, objects in a whole other perspective. questions that i could not answer popped into my head. how did he see the world? is this how Picasso saw the world? i wonder how it would be like seeing the world through Picasso's eyes. Would it seem magical, beautiful, wonderful? i just saw the world in a way i never seen i before. it was like being fill in on a world that you never imagined.

i know what to do tomorrow i art class.


this is the picture that made me see clearly:

You guys here in ep have been the only thing that's was keeping from giving up. But it's just doesn't get better for me. U guys r like my family. U truly r. I luv u all. I Srry. I just cant take it no more. I really don't wanna hurt u guys. Srry I can't be strong. I can't take it no more. I don't know what's going to happen. If my parents r going to stop me or not. If I don't go online for some time I guess u'll know I'm dead. I'll write if I'm alive. Luv all of u forever. Bye.

my mom just told me that im stupid and a horrible daughter. i get a and b and one or two c. i was in a advance math class but i got kicked out for not keeping up and failing a few test i didnt understand. it was too advance for me. i told her yesterday and since then she been screaming at me and my dad also. there disconnecting my tv and not my computer. they know i'll kill myself if i didnt have at least that.i just got in a fight with my mom a few minutes ago and locked myself in my room bcuz i caught her looking thru my fone. she called me a bitch in spanish. then here i am writing while im crying locked in my room. if she thinks im a horrible daughter now just wait. their really going to regret the day i was born. i going to act from now on the worst child in the world. my moms going to regret she ever called me a bitch!

i was broken today. i still dont know how i feel. today i went to my old school to say hi to my old friends and a guy called Efrian. he came up to me and said hi. so we started talking then he grabbed my hand out of nowhere and pulled my sleeve up. he screams" HA I KNEW I SAW A CUT ON YOUR ARM HA"!!!!! he wouldnt let go of my arm and i was about to cry so i flipped him.(my sister taught me how to do it). while he was on the ground i ran away and went home i went to my computer and went on facebook to talk to my friend. then i see that he put " i saw a cut on amy's arm. ha she an emo girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!" i was so anger i typed on comment " yeah put this emo girl flipped you motherfucker. you got beat by a girl and FUCK YOU!' then i slamed my computer shut and through it off my bed. i broke it right now im using my sisters computer. im still crying and i my parent keep asking me what happen that i would break my computer. but i wont't tell them, i cant.

i always smile like every is ok
never showing how much you hurt me
you may not love my anymore
but i still love you
you have use me
and dispose of me
like a tissue
but i still love you
waiting for a day that will never come
the day that you'll tell me
that you love again
i know it wont happen
but i still want it more than anything
anything
you know how i feel
but you just mock me
i know I'm too good for you
i know you don't deserve me
because you hurt me
hurt me so much
but i still want you
i love you 
i always will
but i know
you will never love me, too 

everyone says the eyes are the window to the soul
so i looked into my eyes
i saw nothing
i saw hollowness
i saw hazel eyes
i saw a blank face
i tried to look deeper
after a few minutes i saw something
a really big wall
i knew immediately what it was
it was the wall that held everything in
my tears
my fears
my emotion
my pain
me
the wall was strong
it looked like it would never break
but one day it broke
it cracked and crumbled
i couldn't hold anything in
i fell apart where i was standing
where everyone can see me
it was never the same after that
never
i couldn't hide anything ever again
i was broken
never to be fixed again
but i still try
anyone have glue?
is it good? comment.

she sits in a corner to cry to herself
no one know that she does
she the only one that know
she goes into the world with a mask
her real face hidden
never to be seen by no one
she barley sleeps because
she think about her life
everyone makes fun of her
so she always rejected herself
always wanted to be perfect
her family, friend, eveyone pities her
but she holds her head up
so she can try to be strong
but someone always tries
to break her down
they always succeed
will anyone helped
anyone?
*cries*

What is life? Some say boring and a waste of time. Others say life is wonderful and you should do as much as you can, while you can. But to me its a little bit of both. Life has its ups and downs, there is no such thing as a perfect life. But what you when bad things that happen is important. If you dwell in the negative, it will make the situation worse. You need to see things in a new perspective. Anyway, back to the point. people get hurt, they get scars while in life. But thats okay because that what makes us us, thats what makes us unique. Im 13 years old and i've already been through alot. All of my expirances made me who i am. They made me me. :p
 So lets add everything up. Everyone has a different opition about life. Life is good and bad, but if you dwell negative it gets worse. Look for a new way to see things. whenever someone get hurt, it always leaves some kind of mark, but it make you you. So thats it. Im done. Peace out.